How I feel about sharing the title of "Griffin's mom" — thoughts on open adoption

by candace

As I woke up on the morning of Griffin's first birthday I felt a little like something was missing. I let my thoughts wonder to the year before, the events of that Sunday morning in Arizona. As I reflected I thought about how Heidi must have felt as she was wheeled into a c-section that she had informed me she wanted to avoid if at all possible, how she felt as she watched a nurse comb griffins hair into a little Mohawk while she was still in recovery, and how she felt as Dave and I walked into her room to take this perfect, beautiful baby from her life. 

Within days of finding out that we couldn't have children I was filling out adoption paperwork. I knew that I had to do my part, and do it quickly. Suddenly we had to decide if we wanted to choose if we had a boy or girl first, if we were cool enough to raise children that we a different race than we were, if we were willing to take on the complications of a fetal alcohol baby, if we wanted to have an open adoption. We didn't know much about open adoptions. I remember the case worker encouraging us in that direction. "It's just more people to love the child." Little did I know how profound that statement would become.

Heidi first contacted us in May and told us she was due with a boy in early September. We were reeling with questions but didn't really know when or how to ask so we moved forward with our communication cautiously. One morning in June as I was running out the door to be a leader at our youth camp I decided to check my email before I left. There was an email from Heidi telling us that she wanted us to be the parents of her unborn child.
  

There we were, in late July, knocking on the door of Heidi's parents' home. Two hours later we left feeling full. Full of love. They became family that day. They already loved that baby so much that they were willing to place him with a couple that they knew were his parents. I was blown away by their surety. In the middle of the conversation Heidi interrupts, "He keeps moving when you talk...come feel!"  They genuinely cared about us and they made it so easy for us to love them.

Over the next several weeks I learned so much about love and family from that wonderful family. They loved and supported Heidi and they loved and supported us. In the hospital room that Sunday Griffin was born there was no doubt that he was so lucky to have so many people to love him...from all three sides of his family.
   

As the excitement of Griffin's first birthday progressed throughout the day I knew exactly what was missing. Heidi. I supposed that this birthday brought more pain than joy for her. I wanted her in my home, standing next to me, feeling what I was feeling. I wanted his smiles to brings smiles to her face. I wanted her to laugh as he hesitantly played with his chocolate cake and ate his birthday presents. I wanted this day to be a day of joy for her.
 

Each year on his birthday I find myself feeling the same way and each year my hope is that some of that pain is replaced with joy. I hope that all of that pain is replaced with joy. Because she did something incredible. And will always be family. She is his birth mom. And always will be. And we love her for it.

Happy Birth Mother's Day Heidi!

National Adoption Awareness Month

by candace

 If it weren't for adoption this little man wouldn't be ours. I am very grateful for adoption and the blessing it has been in our lives up to this point. More on our story later....

My cousin also has been blessed by adoption. She posted this on her blog and I really liked it so I thought I'd share. You can see her blog here.

Open Adoption is a scary term to many people. I must admit the first time I went to and orientation at LDS Services to learn more about it I was NOT SOLD on the idea! Over time I learned  a lot more about it and met many wonderful people with open adoptions. It sounds impossible for birth families to place their children with families they hardly know and everybody ends up happy. I am here to tell you that it DOES WORK! I have two daughters that my husband I parent and my girls are blessed to have more relatives to love them than the average kid. They have birth families that consist of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and even half-siblings! You can never have too many people to love your child. Both of my daughters are 4th children. They know their siblings and have a great time playing with them. At their young age they don't totally understand how they are related, but that will be come in time.We are blessed to be able to visit with their birth families multiple times throughout the year and communicate with them via the phone and internet often.  I am obviously passionate about adoption. I am happy to talk about our adoption experience, there is nothing I like to talk about more!

Myth #1

Adoption must be spoken about in hushed tones

 My children hear the word ADOPTION every single day. Adoption is a celebrated word in our home. My 3 year-old knows she was not in my belly, and she can tell you who her "birthday mom" is. It is not a secret that they are adopted.

Myth #2

I am not their "real mom"

 My children are blessed to have a birth mom and an adoptive mom. I take care of them on a daily basis. I do council with their birth moms about various things and get advice from them.

Myth #3

Their birth moms are going to try and take them back

The girls are legally adopted, everything is finalized. I have people ask if I worry that their birth moms are going to try and "steal" them back like a thief in the night. I do not worry about this whatsoever! I trust both of our birth moms. They made very conscious choices to place their child for adoption.

Myth #4

Birth moms are scary, bad people

Are you kidding me! Just because they had a baby in a tough situation does not mean that they are bad people. Most people could not handle making the difficult choice that they made. Birth mothers come from all different backgrounds, there is no stereotype. Most people picture a young teenager, but the average birth mom is over 25.

Myth #5

Adoptive parents must keep in constant contact with birth families

No one MAKES us keep in contact with our birth families, we choose to stay in touch with them. It is not an obligation, it is a privilege to be part of their lives and is in the best interest of the children to know where they came from. Like I have said before, no child can have too many people to love them.  Their birth mothers are part of our family.

Myth #6

Adoptive Couples compete against one another for children

There are so many amazing families waiting to be chosen to adopt children. Looking at www.itsaboutlove.org has got to be overwhelming for birth parents looking for the right family for their precious child. I honestly feel that birth parents are guided by the spirit to the right family for that particular child. I am not sad when a child goes to another great family rather than mine, they end up where they are supposed to be. I love seeing adoption bless homes like it has blessed mine.

Myth #7

Adopted kids are cuter than other kids

This is not a myth, there is something about adopted kids that makes them EXTRA CUTE! Their cuteness is unsurpassed!