How I feel about sharing the title of "Griffin's mom" — thoughts on open adoption

by candace

As I woke up on the morning of Griffin's first birthday I felt a little like something was missing. I let my thoughts wonder to the year before, the events of that Sunday morning in Arizona. As I reflected I thought about how Heidi must have felt as she was wheeled into a c-section that she had informed me she wanted to avoid if at all possible, how she felt as she watched a nurse comb griffins hair into a little Mohawk while she was still in recovery, and how she felt as Dave and I walked into her room to take this perfect, beautiful baby from her life. 

Within days of finding out that we couldn't have children I was filling out adoption paperwork. I knew that I had to do my part, and do it quickly. Suddenly we had to decide if we wanted to choose if we had a boy or girl first, if we were cool enough to raise children that we a different race than we were, if we were willing to take on the complications of a fetal alcohol baby, if we wanted to have an open adoption. We didn't know much about open adoptions. I remember the case worker encouraging us in that direction. "It's just more people to love the child." Little did I know how profound that statement would become.

Heidi first contacted us in May and told us she was due with a boy in early September. We were reeling with questions but didn't really know when or how to ask so we moved forward with our communication cautiously. One morning in June as I was running out the door to be a leader at our youth camp I decided to check my email before I left. There was an email from Heidi telling us that she wanted us to be the parents of her unborn child.
  

There we were, in late July, knocking on the door of Heidi's parents' home. Two hours later we left feeling full. Full of love. They became family that day. They already loved that baby so much that they were willing to place him with a couple that they knew were his parents. I was blown away by their surety. In the middle of the conversation Heidi interrupts, "He keeps moving when you talk...come feel!"  They genuinely cared about us and they made it so easy for us to love them.

Over the next several weeks I learned so much about love and family from that wonderful family. They loved and supported Heidi and they loved and supported us. In the hospital room that Sunday Griffin was born there was no doubt that he was so lucky to have so many people to love him...from all three sides of his family.
   

As the excitement of Griffin's first birthday progressed throughout the day I knew exactly what was missing. Heidi. I supposed that this birthday brought more pain than joy for her. I wanted her in my home, standing next to me, feeling what I was feeling. I wanted his smiles to brings smiles to her face. I wanted her to laugh as he hesitantly played with his chocolate cake and ate his birthday presents. I wanted this day to be a day of joy for her.
 

Each year on his birthday I find myself feeling the same way and each year my hope is that some of that pain is replaced with joy. I hope that all of that pain is replaced with joy. Because she did something incredible. And will always be family. She is his birth mom. And always will be. And we love her for it.

Happy Birth Mother's Day Heidi!